Monday, October 24, 2005

What the HELL is wrong?

They say when you talk about it, it reduces.... they say when you write about it, it lessens..... They say it about pain, what they don't say is how difficult it is to pin-point the exact cause of your pain.......
They say when you really fight it out it loses. They say when you engage your mind in something it goes away. They say it about boredom. What they don't say is exactly how tough it is to put up a fight, when you just don't have the strength. When this overpowering boredom hits you, you just don't have the will to engage in anything....

Thats how I am feeling now.... irritated at no particular reason, majorly bored, and just not upto anything. I am passing my life away. Not living it..... Mechanically going through the chores..... I feel like a zombie.... and I feel like a bird in an invisible cage..... who doesn't know what stops it from flying away. It beats its wings against the cage and again, till its wings are injured and it doesn't even know what injured them.

I'm gonna spare you guys the torture of having to read the list of my woes. Why? Cause the list is empty!!! Yeah, even I don't know what's bothering me. But something sure is. And I can't seem to find it. The worst part is that it is visible. My defenses have weakened. The brilliant show of pretense I could keep up is losing its brilliance. The troubled insecure soul behind the facade of cool and composed has started to emerge. Probably that's the root of my problem. The pretense that everything is ok. I guess I've started believing in my pretenses. And therein lies a conflict. Probably its time I take charge once more.

I had promised myself i will not take another break in Progati. But I have. And this is not the first promise I have broken. I am too soft with myself. Probably I should get as harsh with myself as I am with others. I don't seem to be able to write anymore, or read a book without taking a break, or listen to good music, or play SuDoKu, or even cook round chapattis. Probably I have lost the ability to enjoy. I don't find anything interesting these days. Not books, not painting, not movies, not music, not TV, not blogging, not even eating!

I am growing distant not just from everything, but also from everyone. Everyone I care about, everyone I love. I seem to well, just be in a different world. Probably I don't belong here. Probably I belong in an asylum.